Today my thoughts are on how did I move through grief?
Everyone’s grief journey will be different as we all have unique lives and life experiences. I had not experienced a loss through death before Cliff’s illness and his death. I know for six years I was experiencing grief and loss regularly. Anticipatory grief knowing that death is coming, is it today, next week or next month. All the thoughts with out an answer. Would it be today? Will he bounce back? Then when the day comes you are not ready to say good-bye. It some how feels sudden yet expected.
I made a promise to myself to face whatever life had for me head on. I would make sense of what I was feeling or not feeling. Fear was the biggest hurdle. Grief is wrapped up tight within fear. Everyday it felt like I was facing a new fear. How do I keep it together?
How do I be the best mom now I am both parents? How do I find my footing again?
I had therapy for the year after Cliff’s death. Somewhere I could go and simply purge all the emotions that were coming to the surface. I had to make decisions to sell the house, to change jobs. These were huge changes that came with fear. I knew I needed to make these changes for my own healing.
This is how I live life now 16 years later. I look at what is in front of me. I ask myself questions. How would it feel to stay right where I am? If I take a leap of faith to create something new in my life what is the worst that can happen. I learn from the experience. With every new experience came a new understanding of what makes me happy. If I stumble and fall at least I took the step.
Grief and loss are part of life and I choose to honour the lives of those who loved me and left too soon. I will continue to live life with a daily sense of gratitude for the day that is before me.
By being still, journaling and creating a relationship with myself I have gained the strength to live life more fully. I have in turn been blessed with so many new people that have truly been teachers, mentors, adventurers simply because I said YES to life and NO to fear.
I hope you say YES to something today!